January 2012: Spiritual Disciplines COMPLETED!

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JANUARY

Resolution: Pray and read my bible daily, attend worship and bible study weekly
Track: Youversion, journal, and handmade "Spiritual Disciplines" tracking calendar
Reward: Netflix and Pizza Hut movie night with Ari and Kalyn


 




Next month.... 
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FEBRUARY

Resolution: Eat healthier meals and snacks consistently with the help of food stamps
Track: blog with pictures of each meal/snack and 4 new healthy recipes (breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack)
Reward: Ice Skating in Rockefeller center with Daniel

And remember...!

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2013

If I, Shamika La Shawn Walker Goddard, complete all 12 resolutions during the course of 2012, I will reward myself with a ...

Bahamavention!!!

12 Resolutions for 2012

Every month in the year of 2012, I will begin working on a new resolution.  Each resolution will be related to helping bolster my inner life and allow me to reach the full potential in every facet of my life from school to work to home to body and finally soul.
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JANUARY

Resolution: Pray and read my bible daily, attend worship and bible study weekly
Track: Youversion, journal, and handmade "Spiritual Disciplines" tracking calendar
Reward: Netflix and Pizza Hut movie night with Ari and Kalyn

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FEBRUARY

Resolution: Eat healthier meals and snacks consistently with the help of food stamps
Track: blog with pictures of each meal/snack and 4 new healthy recipes (breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack)
Reward: Ice Skating in Rockefeller center with Daniel

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MARCH

Resolution: Couch to 5k walk/jog every other day
Track: G-Calendar and hand made "Couch to 5k" tracking calendar
Reward: Trip to Canada

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APRIL

Resolution: Budget finances, set up automatic savings and set up debt payments
Track: Chase online banking and G-doc
Reward: Avengers movie on May 4th and Avengers marathon of Iron Man 1 and 2, Thor, Captain America, and The Incredible Hulk

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MAY

Resolution: GRE prep, take practice test, have goal score and sign up to test by June 30th
Track: Online course/tools/weekly emails
Reward: 1 Simpsons season dvd

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JUNE

Resolution: Research personal fashion and create framework for ideal wardrobe
Track: blog with pictures, links to videos, and entries explaining 10 style tips for Shamika
Reward: 1 outfit

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JULY

Resolution: Take care of hair and build 4 new styles into my repertoire
Track: blog with pictures, links to tutorial videos, and entries ranking favorite
Reward: New hair charm

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AUGUST

Resolution: Body is a temple month so daily brushing teeth and showering plus weekly self mani/pedi
Track: Mark daily/weekly on hand made "Body is a Temple" tracking calendar
Reward: Karaoke party with fam/friends

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SEPTEMBER

Resolution:  Mail handwritten letters or postcards to immediate family (sibs, mama, grandparents) and 3 friends
Track: Hand made "Epistolary Exchange" checklist
Reward: Purchase yarn for personal skein

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OCTOBER

Resolution: Knit 4 hand towels for immediate family Christmas gifts
Track: blog with pictures
Reward: DDR with Friends

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NOVEMBER

Resolution: NaNoWriMo
Track: http://www.nanowrimo.org/
Reward: Buy new guitar

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DECEMBER

Resolution: Learn to play the guitar again
Track: Be able to play 2 whole songs
Reward: Professional mani/pedi with friend

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2013

If I, Shamika La Shawn Walker Goddard, complete all 12 resolutions during the course of 2012, I will reward myself with a ...

Bahamavention!!!

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Typing out all the months one after another makes a year seem like it would go by in a snap and in some ways it does.  You look up and realize, wait, its Thursday already...in June?!?  In other ways, the days seem to drag one slowly after the other and it is as if it will always be winter or as if summer will never end.

I want to enjoy the process and reward myself for building discipline and developing me during the year.  I hope to document the experience here and enjoy the benefits both of the destination and the journey

I Love Myself

5 days later I get to day 2...

Look at yourself in the mirror.  List things you love about yourself.  Why?

1. My smile because it is bright, helps others to smile, and is a blessing because not everyone has naturally straight teeth.  I almost didn't type that last bit because in my mind it sounded like bragging, but I am thankful that my mother diligently took us to the dentist and had us brushing our teeth twice a day.  Unfortunately my depression robs me of my hygiene more often than I care to admit and its an uphill battle to get it back into my routine.

2. My hair...finally I love it and take care of it.  Its past my shoulders, has curls at the bottom of each loc and they are thin and beautiful.  I love how I have little charms in my hair and can't wait to have one for every place I have ever gone and every major thing I have ever done.  I also can't wait for my hair to be properly down my back!!  That's when its time to go to Jamaica.

3. My dimples are cute because they are unique.  On one side of my face, there are two small dimples and no matter how slender or big I have gotten, those dimples have shown up and shown out.

4. I have been told that my legs are rather shapely and that has been true during the ups and downs of my weight as well.

5. I call them, the girls. The two big beautiful life givers that grew hanging always made me feel like a woman, a beautiful woman.  But in the past few months, I notice men, women and even the kids at my school starring at them and that makes me uncomfortable.  So I do my best to hide them so that the man that does get them can enjoy them all to himself.

I think 5 is a nice round number and these are certainly my top treasures physically.

Happiness Within Reach

I finally unpacked all the boxes you sent to me and discovered a pamphlet from Vaden called "7 Days to a Happier You" and I want to share with you the 7 days in 7 blog posts.

Day the first


List 50 things that make you happy, circle the top 10, and try to do at least 1 each day, starting today!

1. Watching Spongebob
2. Listening to spillcom podcasts
3. Knitting
4. Watching tv shows/movies on Netflix
5. Walking on sunny/breezy days
6. Discovering things in my neighborhood
7. Spending time with good friends
8. Talking to my mom
9. Talking to my lil brother
10. Hearing from my sisters
11.  Spending time with my niece and nephew
12.  Being home in Texas
13. Corny jokes
14. Eating good food
15. Eating good snacks or dessert
16. Cooking
17. Reading a particularly good book
18. Writing
19. Cleaning
20. Having a clean apartment/room/space
21. Meaningful work (career/job)
22. Playing online or computer games
23. Playing video games
24. Playing board games
25. Watching The Simpsons
26. Writing letters to people
27. Receiving letters from people
28. Getting packages in the mail
29. Giving people gifts
30. Singing happy birthday to someone
31. Giving myself a pedicure
32. Taking a long hot bath with bubbles and good music, movie, or book
33. Walking on a beach
34. Looking at a body of water
35. Enjoying a park
36. Enjoying a view from high up
37. Talking to old friends
38. Watching classic childhood favorites from Nickelodeon and Disney
39.  Watching movies I loved as a kid like Little Monsters or TMNT
40. Watching a Disney Movie
41. Washing my hair
42. Taking care of my locs
43. Putting oil in my locs
44. Watching documentaries
45. Arts and Crafts sorts of projects
46. Sleeping in a clean, comfortable bed
47. Sleeping in
48. My Barbar
49. Organizing my room
50. Good smells like Febreze or natural scents from cooking


The top ten:
1. Spending time with family
2. Spending time with friends
3. Enjoying movies/tv shows
4. Sensuous baths
5. Walking and enjoying parks
6. Doing my hair
7. Writing be it on a blog, to a friend, or to myself
8. Reading a good book
9. Playing online, computer, board, or video games
10. Having a clean space, or cleaning in and of itself

Can you keep a secret?

Because I can't.

For years I have.  Ever since about the 5th grade or so.  I have held dearly to my heart a secret that could humiliate and maybe even commit me.

I am not even sure if I should tell you, here.  I will say that it has become increasingly awkward to keep up my secret as a person my age does not carry on with...well maybe when we talk next on the phone I can say it.  Here, I don't think I can.

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The Secret Revisited

Alright.  I think I am finally ready to tell you, dear reader, whoever you are.  Ever since I was about 10 years old, up until at least this past year, I have not only had an imaginary friend but I have had an imaginary boyfriend.

Bartholomew Saint James

He first manifested as my internal life became increasingly more vivid and a safe haven.  I would carry on conversations, share my dreams and fears, and more, all in my mind.  His name came from Bart Simpson partially and I never pictured him with any particular look.  He was just someone who was always there.  He always knew exactly what I needed whether it was a kind word or a mental hug.  Long and lonely nights were soothed as I prayed with him.

However it may be received, I know that the relationship I have fostered over the years has at times kept me from leaping off the precipices that presented themselves.  If that makes me weird, at least it helped me stay sane.

*Urkel voice*Did I do that?

Another fall, publicly, while rushing to somewhere.

Injured toes, wrist, and agitated back where the bike/car injury was

Shuffling around alone because I have to I increasingly see my afterlife as more appealing than the gift of life I have now.

Then, I won't be alone all the time, no chemical imbalance, no office politics, no pain or sadness, all God.

I don't believe in suicide and that belief, above all others, has kept me alive all these years.  Now I listlessly wait.  Trying not to get too bogged down in what I can't have, trying not to fantasize to clearly a life I can't live.

I'm sure one day I will miss this time in my life.  I may not always have a lot of money or food but I am making an honest living and proud of what I'm doing.  I don't have any deep friendships or family close by but I have friends and people to talk to.

In counting my blessings I am thankful to have anything to count at all.  Resolving to the cards I have been dealt this round of the game of life is not easy but it is integral to functioning.  So I say, go fish. 

Stressed?

My manager is not helping.

She is new to this org and role, uses the wrong words for things in the center, tells me how to do things wrong, and pulls a "do as I say not as I do" attitude when she makes the same mistakes and professional missteps as me.

Grr!

I Guess You Can't Escape Politics

My manager is constantly leaving her laptop charger or other behind and I end up shouldering the responsibility of getting it back to her.  Just this past Tuesday she came to the reading center to get the charger she had left behind last Thursday.  Only, she leaves it again!  She leaves, early, but calls me to ask how she can get back into the building since the main doors were already locked.

You can probably see where this all went.  I told her that I would have to go down (the 5 flights of) stairs and open it for her.  She goes, "oh well could you just bring the charger with you?"

I get down there and guess what? To compensate for the trip down Tiffany hands me an armful of donated books for the reading center and a tri-fold board to carry back up the stairs!

Convenient how she forgot them when she came in that morning or after lunch or even mentioning them on the phone to me before I went downstairs.  She could have at least helped me back up the stairs with the stuff!!


This is only one of already many tiffs I have already had with my manager Tiffany.  My biggest concern is when I apply to work for this organization in Dallas next year her account of my first weeks on the job won't be positive...

Everything's Great When You're Downtown!

But I'm not.

I'm not even in the city-I'm in Queens!

So just an update about my life:

My manager and I have gone toe to toe a little bit because I have been late a few times and she has been trying to get me to use systems that she is still getting used to. Its just frustrating that I am being talked down to, "well if you just check the google doc you would see" even though I had and that is why I have issue and so on.  Other than that, I love the reading center, the cute tutors, and the even cuter students.

Living in Queens isn't awful, but I am just so far away from the friends I have made, my co-workers, and the city.  I spend over an hour getting everywhere and nearly anywhere from work to uptown.  It was frustrating and now I just make sure I have the paper, a book, or the NYT saved articles available in my phone.  My basement apt, when you look at the sum of its parts, is pretty great.  I have the whole basement to myself with its kitchen, tiny bathroom, and my room.  I can't, however, use the washer dryer that is right across from my room that the main family comes down and does use.  I am thinking of asking if I can pay an extra $50 a month or something instead of dragging my clothes upstairs and several blocks away to a cleaners.

And now for the date...

The  man's name is Richard, or Rich, and he is in his mid thirties.  He is on the heavier side, but has a sweet face.  Like I mentioned on the phone, he went to grad school and now works for the city in urban planning and lives a few blocks away from central park.  For our date, he packed a picnic, brought a blanket, and several delicious dishes from a bistro near his house.  We talked for a little bit and ended the meal with a little make out session right there in the park...innocent enough...but enough to want to cancel the tour of the park and watch a movie at his place.  Transformers 3.

Now we both know that when a guy invites you to his place, no matter the excuse, its goin down.  He said he needed to drop off the salads and stuff in his fridge and we decided to go ahead and watch the movie.  His attention was not on the movie, and I knew I wouldn't be able to finish it until I gave him my attention.  It's not that I didn't want to, I did.  But, I also wanted to get to know him better before I biblically knew him. The road to hell...

So between the clean up and shower and putting our clothes back on, I couldn't help but hide tears of frustration and sadness.  He did not push me.  He asked me.  Of course, when we are in the middle of making out, I want to keep going.  I am still accustomed to the level of intimacy that I had in my marriage and I want to get to that level as soon as possible with the next person I share my life and myself with.  Dangerous.  Because not everyone wants what I want.  He gave me the whole, "No matter what happens between us..." speech which did the opposite of comfort me and even though we finished the movie and spent the rest of the evening walking around 5th avenue and seeing Times Square I could not shake the feeling that I blew it.

Granted, even if I hadn't given up the cookies, I could probably have figured out that this guy wasn't looking for a girlfriend or something long term.  He says that he wants to be my tour guide which may just be a cover for fwb.


But the city is a lonely place...


And he does have condoms...

Am I that desparate to be held, to be told I am pretty, to feel the sweet caress of another's lips on mine?

Living Just Enough for the City I'm...

There have been so very many things, its better to try and just give you the boring vacation slide version:

- Golden Birthday in the city! No one from work showed up to the dinner but thankfully I had made 2 friends who invited a friend and we all had dinner at Times Square in Olive Garden then walked around.  The Dave and Buster's was such a rip but there is a DDR machine there. My co-workers did join me for a birthday lunch and my manager treated me.  Though I have no family in New York, I definitely feel like I have friends.

- Earthquake...in New York?  Yea.  And I missed it.  I was in an elevator when it happened. But just a few days later....

- Hurricane Irene hits Queens, where I live.  Power outages, flooding, downed branches and trees.  But I was fine and the city turned out to heed the cautions well.  Other places along the Atlantic coast were not as fortunate,

- Labor Day Weekend I finally find a place to live that I can use the address! I could have waited until the end of September since I had already paid through then, but for so many reasons I wanted to move immediately.  The feeling of being unsettled, having to walk into the apartment complex behind others or wait for someone to come along and let me in was grating every day.  I needed to set up things like doctors, food stamps, and more but without an address, I was immobilized in such an inconvenient way.  I found a basement in a home a few bus stops down from where I was.  A co-worker and now dear friend spent her Labor day helping drag and carry my suitcase set and a cart of things on the bus and down to the new place.  I banged my ankle pretty good and ended up sick the next day, but we celebrated with the movie Rise of the Planet of the Apes which was good.

- The basement is part of a 2 story home, small bathroom (have to physically sit at an angle when I am on the John!!), no working lights for the stairs leading down, and a washer dryer that I can't use.  Not to mention the poor reception, but I do need a new phone so that could just be my fault.  The family on the first  floor has a loud and noisy young boy of about 4 who runs and screams and jumps between 9 and 11pm most nights.  I talked to his grandmother and I think things will be a little better from here on.

- Work. The whole reason I am in New York, to help students with their literacy, is far from my mind as I traveled sometimes 2 hours one way to either the main office or other Site Coordinator sites to help set up their schools.  I finally moved into my classroom and it took 2 days of clearing and cleaning before I could even start setting up my actual things.  We found a newspaper from 1969 that headlined "Man Walks on Moon"!  My co-worker joked that we would end up finding the Declaration, but when we did it just became hysterical.  The fact that it was a fascimile didn't matter, the room hadn't been cleaned in years and the former teacher had pictures, cards, wedding planning documents, and more personal items there.  Le sigh.  I officially start running my site on Monday morning but I have to be there at 8am.  Since I have two buses and about an hour commute, I have to get up at 6am.

Granted, all the difficulties have been trying and frustrated, but at the end of the day, I am working, I have a place to live, I have food, and I can continue to count blessing after blessing in my life.  Even though I have been reprimanded for my tardiness, because I didn't pick up interborough transportation instantaneously, and could lose my job because the transition was harder for me than anyone else, I still think this experience has taught me a lot about myself and I have noticed how lessons I have learned in other seasons of my life coming through...just keep swimming is a big one.  If I am laden with bags, shoes hurting my feet, and I am lost in Manhatten and need to find the train for a probable 2 hour commute, I just breath and walk and remind myself that I am strong. Stopping is not an option.  So many other times when I was younger, I found myself on my own in a pinch and simply had to rely on myself.  There was no use in whining or complaining, explaining the unfairness, or seeking sympathy from strangers.  Sometimes I was completely and literally by myself and I had to get home or get to work and I just made it happen.  Carried over $100 worth of groceries from the store many times in Illinois through the snowy winters up stairs...because I did not have a choice.  Biked through the snow to get to work on time because they buses were so unreliable I had nearly lost my job. And that list goes on.  I have been carried in those moments by my Lord and through Him I can look back and honestly marvel at how I got over.

Leaky Heart

I am sitting in a McDonalds where I have been since noon using their free wi-fi and working on assignments for work.  I have also been checking up okcupid and managed to have a rather lengthy conversation with a young man whose profile said he was Christian but when sex came up in the convo he said that he was secular and didn't think we wanted the same things from a relationship.

Yesterday Sean told me he wanted to be single for a while.

Stephen wants to be together but is getting heart surgery soon and won't be able to move here for a while and even when he does he would have to get a job and figure out life and we would be trying to figure out us and it makes me thoroughly tired just thinking about it.

Taylor keeps poking me on Facebook and "liked" my post to my profile that had a link to my okc profile where we met.

I am sleeping on an air mattress again, more transient than I can remember, and there is so much that I don't know...all after my golden birthday which was actually mostly fun when I avoided the couples and pushed back the thoughts of my men troubles

I'm Gonna Make It After All...

In the fall, a few weeks from now really, I am going to be living in New York and serving a community for a year in AmeriCorps.  I have never been to New York and I only know a handfull of people who live there, only one intimately-and he is upstate.  Here are a few things I hope do and don't happen while I am in New York...

Do:

Find a reasonable apartment/furnishing/roomies

Enjoy my job

Explore the city

Discover a new hobby

Visit places I have seen only in movies and tv shows (like the diner from Seinfield)

Don't:

Get bitten by a rat

Get pushed off the busy sidewalks into traffic

Get mugged/robbed/raped(against my will)/murdered/etc

Get so lost that I have to call the cops to help me find my way home

Lose my money/bus fair/subway tokens/etc and have to walk 20 blocks in heels or something

Lose myself in the people and attitude of New York and come out on the other side of this service year jaded, hardened, and further away from the woman I hope to be

Pick up smoking

Become a loose woman with loose morals

Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Made Of

I need to have $1,500 money by Monday August 8, 2011.  I know I can do it!

African and African American Studies Department Spoken Word Poems

Spending time with the timeless

By Shamika

When my body gets weary,

I sit a while with Rosa

We talk about how hard we worked

and agree its good to get off our feet

When I lose my sense of purpose

I pontificate with Malcolm

He always seems to have

a word or fresh view

When I need to clear my head

I take a healthy stroll with Martin

Walking with him invigorates me

from the inside out

When I am old

and young at heart

who will spend time with me?

I gather rather

it all depends

on how I spend my time now

What will I work so hard at

That I am too resolved to move?

What plans and purpose

will bring me clarity of mind?

What in my life

shall move me and those around?

Young black girls

not yet told of their beauty

Young black boys

deserving of a dignified masculinity

The reassurance of the experienced

that they are leaving the world in capable hands

Future

By Shamika

I glance longingly ahead

The light piercing through my sunglasses

Everything I have worked for

All the sacrifices I have made

Culminating into a moment

That will never quite come

Until the end, as far as I’m told

There will always be a tomorrow after today

So when I need a pick me up

I cuddle with my well-worn thoughts

Thumb through the threadbare scenarios

Exist in the ethereal space out of time

In my mind

When it comes

will I know it?

Amidst the goings

and comings of life

How does one ascertain

they have arrived?

What Have I Done Today To Make Me Feel Proud?

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind.  I went through my last finals week at Stanford University with 4 papers over the weekend and a final Monday night.  I ended up with straight As and finished my senior paper.  God is certainly good.  My mother came down for the graduation and cried as she stood up at my AAAS department ceremony and told everyone how proud of me she was.   Even though my thesis poster is riddled with mistakes, I love it and will probably have my mother take care of it for me for a while.

During these past two weeks, I also managed to deal with Stephen, figure out how to move forward with(out) Sean, and decide that Taylor is not the man I want a summer romance with.  Stephen turned out to be having a relationship with someone who nearly ruined our marriage years ago AND living with her!  He was going to wait and tell me after his heart surgery-in August.  I am not one to be the other woman.  I finally had the definitive out I needed.  With Sean, he also came to my graduation ceremony and flew in early to celebrate his birthday and my graduation.  I told him that even though he went back to school this past semester, we were going to be in two different places in more than just one way for a while.  He smokes, is not Christian, will be living in upstate New York for a while, and has more growing to do.  He is not immature, just not as mature as me.

After being with Sean for a week, I also realized that Taylor was not in a place in life that reflected the man I wanted to be with right now.  It does not mean that he is wrong for me, the same with Sean.  They are just different from who I am looking for right now.  And, I don't think if they have to change in order to be with me, that they should be with me.

Finally, just before I took my mother home, I found out that my 27 year old cousin Jennifer, an obese young lady who was attending UTSA for a communications degree, passed away the morning of Monday June 13th from a heart attack.  As sad as the news was, it was also sobering.  I have not been focusing on my own health, even though I watched The Biggest Loser throughout the school year.  3 weeks ago, when I saw my psychiatrist, he told me that I had gained 9 lbs in one month.  Since Monday, I have resolved myself even more to not only return to the healthy lifestyle that I was forming in Illinois where I lost 25 lbs over the course of about a year but I want to be able to remain steadfast in the face of moving, a new job, and eventually graduate school.  My cousin was only 2 years older than me.  Obesity and the problems associated with it run in my family.  Right now, I am one of the most obese young people on my mother's side.  However, I do have an aunt who is 3 months older than me who did lose her weight and has managed to keep it off for years.  When we were young, she was the largest of all of us.  I have hope that it is possible and have seen it in person.


Now for the future, at least for the forseeable future which means the summer:

Research graduate school programs for a Ph. D. that allows me to continue researching mental health in the black community through the perspective of portrayal and representation which will asses how media affects stigma and awareness in an effort to decrease stigmas and increase awareness in future media productions

Research the Bronx and Harlem, the two areas that I might be working in NYC in the fall including mental health resources, community resources and centers, yarn shops, the list of ppl that other ppl know and want to direct me to, grocery stores, inexpensive clothing stores for work clothes, free and inexpensive places to tour especially since my mom is going to visit me, and I also believe Candace my best friend from Texas will as well

Study for the GRE and set up a time to take it ideally at the end of the summer while I am still here at Stanford.  If I feel as though I am not ready by the end of the summer, I will take it in New York, but I want to have my score before I start applying to schools and have that behind me.

Do research over the summer. Currently, my advisor Dr. Teresa LaFromboise offered me a few hours every week to help with her research over the summer even though she will be off campus and in the field. I would work with her graduate students.

In the midst of all the research and study...I am also going to be starting the 10 week "Couch to 5k" program. 3 days a week I would run/walk for half an hour and so far this week I have walk/run 2x.  I started Thursday June 16th and so far I have explored the surrounding area of 717 Dolores.  Hills and all!  I have also been eating salad, soup, cereal, apples, oatmeal, bananas, along with a few snacks and treats.  Ever since I had the appointment with my psychiatrist, during which he told me I couldn't have juice and dessert, I feel like I have lost at least 2 or 3 lbs and I am aiming to not only lose what I gained before I leave for New York, but to also  have a sound foundation of healthiness from these past weeks.

Dear Roommate

I should not be made to feel guilty whenever I ask you to clean your mess up out of public spaces or inquire as to why the messes have not been cleaned up after a reasonable amount of time.  I think I have been fair by not yelling or getting snippy, as you have, but even so I believe that its not just my years of maturity that separate us in this situation.

You may not have had to do chores when you lived with your mother, in fact I remember hearing how you would yell at her and make her cry when she tried to get you to clean your room.  So naturally, you must see me as you would your mother trying to get you to clean up after yourself in the kitchen or bathroom.

We have different definitions of clean, what it means to clean something, and expectations about cleaning.  Wiping the sink and top of the toilet does not mean cleaning the bathroom.  I don't care if you wiped the mirror too.  Your hair is shed all over the floor, clogged on and off in the tub, and the trash does not take itself out.  Do not get mad at me for holding you to the same cleaning standards I exhibit on my weeks.  Its simply not fair to have only me taking out the bathroom trash and cleaning the floor and tub.

And the recycling.  If its past overflowing, and its your week to take it out, take it out.  Usually, you are better at this, but when you get busy you forget.  Far be it from me to remind you and have you roll your eyes, give me the cold shoulder, and stalk around me for days after.

The way I am being treated is unfair.  It does not matter to me that we have less than a month until graduation.  When you go off into the real world, I hope you will have learned the errors of your ways from this situation just as I will have learned mine.  Something new about me is revealed every time I live with someone and this time I realized that I need to not only define what clean is to me, but agree on the mutual definition as well as timeline.  I shouldn't wait until you hair is on my toothbrush and its been two and a half weeks before I say something to you about finally cleaning the bathroom.  And then when I also mention the recycling that hasn't been taken out because you also had not done that in those weeks as well and I let it pile up thinking you would surely get around to it...well you see where I am going.

I don't want to spend these last few weeks of my senior year avoiding you in my own apartment, or looking at your bf's bloody tp in our bathroom trashcan.  It is better to win than be right, I once heard, and in this instance to win is to have a clean bathroom and the recycling taken out.  I have in the past picked up on your slack but I don't want to coddle or enable you.

So.  Clean it.  We are all busy.  If you don't like it, live alone when you go to Harvard.

My How Things Have Changed

The last time I posted a blog, I was jonesing and jonesing hard for the last man who ... got into my cookie jar.  I was in desperate need of a deep hug from someone who meant something to me and cherished me as well.  It has been a long time since that has happened, and even longer since the moment was not muddled with details like I am married, but not to you, or I am not married, but wouldn't marry you, and the list goes on. I know you have already rolled your eyes and either verbally or mentally sucked your teeth while shaking your head because of the picture, but I suppose when we get together to go to the movies I will give you that full story.  Mostly because I should be writing other stuff right now, and I wanna focus on what I can and leave the juicy bits for the in person tete a tete.

I am in the final countdown of my final quarter here at Stanford and I am on struggle.  Not low key struggle, but not necessarily Mariah Carey struggle which is where I was last quarter.  I have 20 days til my thesis is due, and 16 days til I present on it for my department.  I have 4 classes, 1 final exam, 2 final papers, 6 response papers, 4 blog entries, and a media paper to write.  In all of this, I am dealing constantly with my meds which are either not helping enough or too detrimental because of how they affect my mind.  After this week, I will have finished with another 40% of work, a great deal, and after my thesis, I will only have 2 final papers and a final exam.

I look forward to the summer, during which I will be working on campus so yea for that, and celebrating graduation with you, and figuring out where I am going to be working after the summer.  I am hoping for this AmeriCorps position which will have me either here or in New York with Reading Partners.  I have a third interview at the site this week and I hope to find out whether or not and which position I got in the next week or so.

Let's plan out next movie day and I suggest memorial day weekend since that will be the weekend that most of my work is done and I will have a celebratory mood anyway in preparation for graduation.  I hope your life is moving along well, wedding plans, work for you and your boo, your apartment, health, all of that.

My Brawny Man

(Brawny Man in real life much more ideal)

it has been bouncing around inside my head for days...different quips and phrases that play on the mix tape of our relationship, my favorites being "i will be your statue" and just the way you say my name "shamikaaaa" like you were exhaling pleasure and love and a secret meant just for me

  it can soothe my weary soul

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10:54 PM me: so...what are you wearing

10:55 PM Brawny: boxer briefs and that a shirt

  u?

 me: a camisol and purple panties

 Brawny: what is a carnisol

10:56 PM me: tank w a built n sports bra

 Brawny: ah

  cuuute :)

10:57 PM me: u 2

  :D

 Brawny: :*

10:58 PM me: lol

  <3

10:59 PM Brawny: or play with your tits while you were asleep

 me: i wis u cld do that now

  wish*

11:00 PM Brawny: i wish you could play with the bulge in my boxers

  i love it when you do tat

11:01 PM me: i havnt had a chance to do that recently

 Brawny: you havent, no

11:02 PM nor have i rubbed oil all over your delicious curves

11:03 PM and felt your soft body with my strong hands

11:04 PM me: ooh baby

  :-o

11:07 PM Brawny: i bet you are getting wet reading this

11:08 PM me: wouldn't you like to know

 Brawny: i remember sliding your panties off, seeing your cum come off your panties in a string

11:09 PM me: i have never been as wet as when i am with you

11:10 PM Brawny: it turned me on so much seeing that

11:12 PM last time i made you cum, your cum was so slick, it felt so great rubbing my prick with your cum

 me: such a dirty boy

11:14 PM Brawny: in bed

11:16 PM i wish you were as dirty sometimes

 me: i have to save something for the honeymoon

  :P

11:17 PM Brawny: nah, im sure we could keep it fresh

11:18 PM me: so fresh and

 Brawny: so clean?

 me: good!

  http://cee.stanford.edu/

  http://cee.illinois.edu/

11:20 PM Brawny: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tetromino

11:21 PM me: dork!

11:22 PM Brawny: i want to make a tetris with u

 me: lol thats adorable

11:23 PM Brawny: take my long piece and put it in your playing field

  thus filling 4 lines, hence a tetris

 me: woah... :-o

11:24 PM Brawny: for maximum score, if you get my drift

11:25 PM me: i am resting the phone on my heaving bosom

11:26 PM Brawny: i am letting my bulge get some air

11:27 PM its starting to get sore under wraps

 me: dont tell me that

11:28 PM Brawny: y not?

 me: because i can't do anything about it way over here

11:30 PM i want to kiss your lips right now

 Brawny: me 2

11:31 PM i want to press my thumb against your lips, take your head in my hands and kiss you

11:32 PM then slide my hands down your neck and rest of your shoulders

  on*

 me: *exhales

  deeply*

11:33 PM Brawny: i want to see the look of bliss on your face as i slide my hands down your arms and grab your elbows

 me: <3

11:35 PM i kno u r touching urself, but i want u 2 touch me instead

11:36 PM Brawny: guilty as charged :p

  (thats my tongue licking your ear btw)

 me: giggles softly

11:37 PM Brawny: how about, you press against your hips and move up the sides of your body, imagining they are my hands