Another fall, publicly, while rushing to somewhere.
Injured toes, wrist, and agitated back where the bike/car injury was
Shuffling around alone because I have to I increasingly see my afterlife as more appealing than the gift of life I have now.
Then, I won't be alone all the time, no chemical imbalance, no office politics, no pain or sadness, all God.
I don't believe in suicide and that belief, above all others, has kept me alive all these years. Now I listlessly wait. Trying not to get too bogged down in what I can't have, trying not to fantasize to clearly a life I can't live.
I'm sure one day I will miss this time in my life. I may not always have a lot of money or food but I am making an honest living and proud of what I'm doing. I don't have any deep friendships or family close by but I have friends and people to talk to.
In counting my blessings I am thankful to have anything to count at all. Resolving to the cards I have been dealt this round of the game of life is not easy but it is integral to functioning. So I say, go fish.
Sweetie, it's imperative to never give up. A few weeks ago I finally reached a point where I didn't want to talk about my negative anymore. There was so much shoulda coulda woulda I wisha, I hatea, Iwanttochangea that I was up to my ears. And I just decided to stop. And I resolved to John that I just wanted to make the best of what's around. My life isn't perfect. Sometimes it's not great. Sometimes it's not even good. Sometimes it's pretty not great. But this is my one life and i"m going to make the best of whats around.
ReplyDeleteYou're blessed in that you're one of the most resourceful people I've ever met. Cursed in that you sell yourself far too short. Your passion and your mind were not meant for 2 hour commutes and financial struggles. But you'll see your value one day even if I have to beat it in your head.
Much love coming from the west coast. I hope you feel the vibes. I've wanted to call you alot recently but don't want you to have to step outside to chat on the phone.