I Love Myself

5 days later I get to day 2...

Look at yourself in the mirror.  List things you love about yourself.  Why?

1. My smile because it is bright, helps others to smile, and is a blessing because not everyone has naturally straight teeth.  I almost didn't type that last bit because in my mind it sounded like bragging, but I am thankful that my mother diligently took us to the dentist and had us brushing our teeth twice a day.  Unfortunately my depression robs me of my hygiene more often than I care to admit and its an uphill battle to get it back into my routine.

2. My hair...finally I love it and take care of it.  Its past my shoulders, has curls at the bottom of each loc and they are thin and beautiful.  I love how I have little charms in my hair and can't wait to have one for every place I have ever gone and every major thing I have ever done.  I also can't wait for my hair to be properly down my back!!  That's when its time to go to Jamaica.

3. My dimples are cute because they are unique.  On one side of my face, there are two small dimples and no matter how slender or big I have gotten, those dimples have shown up and shown out.

4. I have been told that my legs are rather shapely and that has been true during the ups and downs of my weight as well.

5. I call them, the girls. The two big beautiful life givers that grew hanging always made me feel like a woman, a beautiful woman.  But in the past few months, I notice men, women and even the kids at my school starring at them and that makes me uncomfortable.  So I do my best to hide them so that the man that does get them can enjoy them all to himself.

I think 5 is a nice round number and these are certainly my top treasures physically.

Happiness Within Reach

I finally unpacked all the boxes you sent to me and discovered a pamphlet from Vaden called "7 Days to a Happier You" and I want to share with you the 7 days in 7 blog posts.

Day the first


List 50 things that make you happy, circle the top 10, and try to do at least 1 each day, starting today!

1. Watching Spongebob
2. Listening to spillcom podcasts
3. Knitting
4. Watching tv shows/movies on Netflix
5. Walking on sunny/breezy days
6. Discovering things in my neighborhood
7. Spending time with good friends
8. Talking to my mom
9. Talking to my lil brother
10. Hearing from my sisters
11.  Spending time with my niece and nephew
12.  Being home in Texas
13. Corny jokes
14. Eating good food
15. Eating good snacks or dessert
16. Cooking
17. Reading a particularly good book
18. Writing
19. Cleaning
20. Having a clean apartment/room/space
21. Meaningful work (career/job)
22. Playing online or computer games
23. Playing video games
24. Playing board games
25. Watching The Simpsons
26. Writing letters to people
27. Receiving letters from people
28. Getting packages in the mail
29. Giving people gifts
30. Singing happy birthday to someone
31. Giving myself a pedicure
32. Taking a long hot bath with bubbles and good music, movie, or book
33. Walking on a beach
34. Looking at a body of water
35. Enjoying a park
36. Enjoying a view from high up
37. Talking to old friends
38. Watching classic childhood favorites from Nickelodeon and Disney
39.  Watching movies I loved as a kid like Little Monsters or TMNT
40. Watching a Disney Movie
41. Washing my hair
42. Taking care of my locs
43. Putting oil in my locs
44. Watching documentaries
45. Arts and Crafts sorts of projects
46. Sleeping in a clean, comfortable bed
47. Sleeping in
48. My Barbar
49. Organizing my room
50. Good smells like Febreze or natural scents from cooking


The top ten:
1. Spending time with family
2. Spending time with friends
3. Enjoying movies/tv shows
4. Sensuous baths
5. Walking and enjoying parks
6. Doing my hair
7. Writing be it on a blog, to a friend, or to myself
8. Reading a good book
9. Playing online, computer, board, or video games
10. Having a clean space, or cleaning in and of itself

Can you keep a secret?

Because I can't.

For years I have.  Ever since about the 5th grade or so.  I have held dearly to my heart a secret that could humiliate and maybe even commit me.

I am not even sure if I should tell you, here.  I will say that it has become increasingly awkward to keep up my secret as a person my age does not carry on with...well maybe when we talk next on the phone I can say it.  Here, I don't think I can.

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The Secret Revisited

Alright.  I think I am finally ready to tell you, dear reader, whoever you are.  Ever since I was about 10 years old, up until at least this past year, I have not only had an imaginary friend but I have had an imaginary boyfriend.

Bartholomew Saint James

He first manifested as my internal life became increasingly more vivid and a safe haven.  I would carry on conversations, share my dreams and fears, and more, all in my mind.  His name came from Bart Simpson partially and I never pictured him with any particular look.  He was just someone who was always there.  He always knew exactly what I needed whether it was a kind word or a mental hug.  Long and lonely nights were soothed as I prayed with him.

However it may be received, I know that the relationship I have fostered over the years has at times kept me from leaping off the precipices that presented themselves.  If that makes me weird, at least it helped me stay sane.

*Urkel voice*Did I do that?

Another fall, publicly, while rushing to somewhere.

Injured toes, wrist, and agitated back where the bike/car injury was

Shuffling around alone because I have to I increasingly see my afterlife as more appealing than the gift of life I have now.

Then, I won't be alone all the time, no chemical imbalance, no office politics, no pain or sadness, all God.

I don't believe in suicide and that belief, above all others, has kept me alive all these years.  Now I listlessly wait.  Trying not to get too bogged down in what I can't have, trying not to fantasize to clearly a life I can't live.

I'm sure one day I will miss this time in my life.  I may not always have a lot of money or food but I am making an honest living and proud of what I'm doing.  I don't have any deep friendships or family close by but I have friends and people to talk to.

In counting my blessings I am thankful to have anything to count at all.  Resolving to the cards I have been dealt this round of the game of life is not easy but it is integral to functioning.  So I say, go fish. 

Stressed?

My manager is not helping.

She is new to this org and role, uses the wrong words for things in the center, tells me how to do things wrong, and pulls a "do as I say not as I do" attitude when she makes the same mistakes and professional missteps as me.

Grr!