I'm lying under a hand made throw, taking a break from reading Les Mis. Suddenly, my mind is accosted not of Jean Valjean and Cosette, but of the life that awaits me in New York.
I have a new job, the hope of a better place to live, and a relationship that brings me happiness like none I've ever known before.
However
There is always with me a
However
A cause for pause
A reason for hesitation
What of such and so
What if that and the other
How do I possibly this and so on...
I fret about what has brought me to this place in life and how I will traverse the next bend in the road.
I said I would never live in New York, only visit. I am approaching my second year of "visitation". My life in New York has been difficult, hard, lonely, hungry, trying, stressful, sad, overwhelming, and nearly the death of me. But I face another epoch within which I have a ray of hope. Now, I know the trains, have friends, have found and hope to keep love, possess a job that can move me forward instead of slowly bury me, and always I have my Abba.
No matter how things unfold over the next few years, my prayer is that I am able to embrace another "eat, pray, love, live" moment as I did in Illinois. While there, I finally started and established ongoing mental health care for myself. I made several deep friendships, worked many jobs and had money for my hobbies (knitting and the movies), and I worked on myself.
I can do that again here in New York. I don't want to settle down here, but I feel like this is the last place I'm going to putter around in before I do. I'd like to emerge from my time in New York stronger, but not harder, acquired financial stability without developing a love for money, more whole and fulfilled internally, and with the ability to look back without bitterness on my time here.
With the help of God, I pray.
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