Happy jobs

I am happiest when what I do makes others happy and I can see/facilitate that moment
-Party hero
-Retail associate at CB
-Volunteer/Students/Rents/teachers @ RP
-students @ Beacon
-Trainings/org/sales Pentagon w MK
-Liked being able to use my knowledge on the job to serve others (teaching/sales)
-Liked being able to be myself (silly with kids or laughing w customer)
-Liked positions where I felt good allot the product/service I was offering

Group Work is Work Work

 Working in a team presents its own challenges. Different motivations, desires for the end

product, and personalities. My own challenges are that I try to help others when perhaps they

do not need my help. I can also be sensitive and take joking at my expense personally as I do

not want ppl to think of me that way. It hurts my feelings also that I am being joked about. In a

group project, the extra layer of stress that accompanies the experience highlights my own

sensitivities and causes me to be self conscious of causing waves, joking back, or being even

keeled - which ends up coming off as trying to possibly “handle” the other person or be passive

aggressive.

My mother was one to calm others down and do everything she could in subtle or overt ways to

diffuse situations and make it difficult to attack her or have others become defensive at her. She

dealt with physically abusive relationships and could not afford verbal misunderstandings that

would result in physical responses.

I recognize that I carry that hurt and pain with me in my interactions with others. I still view

crying as a weakness and do not want to cry in front of others because they will ask me what is

wrong and potentially discount or disvalue my reasons or vulnerable feelings. It only has to

happen one or two times before shutting down and attempting to avoid those moments all

together becomes the tactic for survival.

But with a group project, close quarters, working together, and having to present as a cohesive

team makes my sensitivities a liability. Instead of figuring out the final aspects of presents

before our final presentation, I excused myself politely to cry and write this entry to no one.

When I return, since I have been gone so long, I will be asked by the offending party if anything

is wrong, did they offend me, and potentially be coerced into sharing my thoughts and feelings.

After witnessing the blow ups between other team members, I want to escape unscathed.

But it is impossible as the scars have already been made.

Back to the group I go to face my fate and final presentation.

Shamika's Dictionary: Healthy

Originally written 3/24/12

What It's Not Not about a number      -On a scale      -On a clothing tag Not heteronormative      -Skinny      -Muscles      -Model/Dancer/Athlete Not all about food      -Diet      -Carrot sticks, celery and water      -Restrictive

What It Is About Confidence -Looking good in the clothes I can fit -Looking and feeling good in the birthday suit ;-) About the Best Me -What makes sense for my body, genes, etc -Sustainable long term -Okay w/possibly never being high school weight b/ also striving for it as a goal -Outie sticks out and is not covered up About Good Lifestyle/Choices -Good food in modesty -Still eating fun food -Embrace color and nature at every meal

Healthy Affirmations

I want to...

Be able to run for a bus-and catch it!

Not be winded after several flights of stairs (at work, in the subway/municipal buildings)

Feel comfortable in every article of clothing I wear

• Professional
• At Home
• Formal
• Out and About
• Fun
• Sexy/Date Night

Train for and run (before I am 40 if God says the same!)

• 5k
• Half Marathon
• Full Marathon

Play group sports with my community

• Volleyball
• Dodgeball
• Ultimate Frisbee
• Football

Be up to date with my healthcare professional exams/needs

• Dental cleaning 2x a year
• Annual Physical
• Psychiatrist
• Therapist
• Gyno check ups

Bio Check

What am I eating these days?  Whatever my partner cooks which ranges from African cuisine to homemade granola.

What am I praying about these days? Getting through this paper or that assignment or just today.  I am doing my best to remember the intercessory prayers too.

Who do I love? I should have an easy answer for that.  You is the short one.

How am I living?  In color.

Now that I have procrastinated long enough, I'm going to finish this paper come YouTube or unread emails!

Communal Meditation

Tonight I looked into the eyes of a stranger and exposed myself.  During the "diad" portion of social meditation at the Shambala temple, I sat across from a woman under the age of 30 atop a soft mat and box shaped firm cushion.  We were told by the facilitator to simply look at the other person for the first portion of the meditation.  No expression, no smile, no societally established norms to fall back on.  We were warned that the experience could cause us to laugh out of nervousness or feel fear from the energy created between each of us.  Both were true.

Before this vulnerable moment, I began the evening of Shambala's 30 and Under Meditation as a beginner in the side temple room.  We were provided instruction on the Shambala method of meditation.  Having already done some meditation with Pandit, the Chaplain of Union Theological Seminary, I anticipated deep breathing and resisting the urge to fall asleep with closed eyes over the scent of incense. I was only correct in anticipating the incense.  Interestingly, Shambala is a practice of meditation done with eyes open--as our normal reality is lived--and with normal breath.  The stance of the body was to have our knees below our hips and our hands palm down on our knees.  Our chin was to be slightly tucked in and our lips slightly open to allow our jaws to relax.  

The lasting impression of the practice was how grounded it seemed to me.  The intention behind each aspect was centered around how we live in everyday life.  In fact, the facilitator repeated that we should be gentle to ourselves.  There was no right and wrong and that personal kindness can (and will) be applied to the rest of our lives.  

I was marketing to people but no one was buying

so since you don't care, do you mind if i tell you something.  now i don't know what you are gonna do with this information, but since you and i both don't care, i guess it doesn't matter now.  ever since i met you, i have liked you.  i still remember the day on the gray campus when i first told you and you freaked out.  besides the fact that it was quite painful and tramatizing, i continued to feel for you.  now i have only a few months to do anything if anything.  you know all those times i was talking to you and i would shake my head and walk away.  i remember doing that quite often.  it was because you were either hanging around a girl or they were hanging around you or i was feeling those feelings that i could never develop anything so i felt stupid and out of place around you and felt i shouldn't torture me or you so i leave the situation.  now, i am against the ropes and basically, i see that i have nothing to lose but everything to gain.  :) that is, of course if you want to...

To Northwest Leadership Foundation

An important aspect of growing up in San Antonio was the combination of a vibrant Hispanic community, my strong participation with my church and the integral role that my black family played in developing a sense of responsibility to my kin and community.  I celebrated Cinco de Mayo year after year in school, participated in family birthday parties which included everyone during the festivities, and volunteered heavily in my church’s tutoring, youth choir, and youth bible study ministry.  The morals, values, work ethic, pride for my community, and confidence in myself can all be traced to specific people or events in the Alamo city and I believe I can foster these traits and more in the youth of Tacoma, Washington.

The Northwest Leadership Foundation in Tacoma is a program that puts its faith first within its values just as I strive to do in my own life.  When I perused the AmeriCorps site for programs which would allow me to grow and develop myself in an effort to prepare for graduate school, a spiritual based yearlong opportunity seemed a fantastic fit.  I would be able to serve a community and accomplish my gap year goals in a beautiful area of my country that was new to me while growing my personal faith.Tacoma, being the third largest city in the state of Washington, is comprised of 60% Caucasian while the rest of the population includes black, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, and other distinct groups which all possess the same challenges that many growing urban cities of diverse communities face: low income and minority students struggling to obtain the most from their education as impoverished and minority cultures struggling for a voice in the community.  

I have lived through poverty, overcrowded public schools, and the identity crisis that W.E.B. DuBois describes as a “double consciousness.”  As a potential mentor and servant of the youth community in Tacoma, I hope to engage deeply with students and communities both inside and outside of my own.  Developing meaningful relationships will give me the opportunity to speak positive and inspiring truth into the lives of young people the same way the Deacon from my church or the Director of the Texas State Math Camp changed my outlook and trajectory in life by believing in me.  In a year, I could develop my spiritual and social leadership and gain life changing experienceswhich will go on to shape how I choose to serve other communities I go on to live in.

With all the benefits of the program, I realize that there will also be challenges.  Living in an entirely new part of the country can be exciting but I will also need to be open and flexible to the new people and a different environment to what I am used to-basically I am talking about snow!  Gratefully, I lived in central Illinois for almost 2 years so snow is no longer as new to me as it was growing up in south Texas. I also anticipate dealing with a Latino community and because I have studied Japanese more recently than I have studied Spanish, I fear I may be a little rusty with my command of the language.  Of course, because I loved learning Spanish, I actually am looking forward tobrushing up on los palabros y mas all summer long just in case I am needed in the Tacoma Latino community.  Coming from a city heavily influenced by Hispanic culture, I know how much cultural capital the Spanish language can possess.  I look forward to embracing these seeming difficulties as opportunities along with the tremendous chance of a lifetime.