Working in a team presents its own challenges. Different motivations, desires for the end
product, and personalities. My own challenges are that I try to help others when perhaps they
do not need my help. I can also be sensitive and take joking at my expense personally as I do
not want ppl to think of me that way. It hurts my feelings also that I am being joked about. In a
group project, the extra layer of stress that accompanies the experience highlights my own
sensitivities and causes me to be self conscious of causing waves, joking back, or being even
keeled - which ends up coming off as trying to possibly “handle” the other person or be passive
aggressive.
My mother was one to calm others down and do everything she could in subtle or overt ways to
diffuse situations and make it difficult to attack her or have others become defensive at her. She
dealt with physically abusive relationships and could not afford verbal misunderstandings that
would result in physical responses.
I recognize that I carry that hurt and pain with me in my interactions with others. I still view
crying as a weakness and do not want to cry in front of others because they will ask me what is
wrong and potentially discount or disvalue my reasons or vulnerable feelings. It only has to
happen one or two times before shutting down and attempting to avoid those moments all
together becomes the tactic for survival.
But with a group project, close quarters, working together, and having to present as a cohesive
team makes my sensitivities a liability. Instead of figuring out the final aspects of presents
before our final presentation, I excused myself politely to cry and write this entry to no one.
When I return, since I have been gone so long, I will be asked by the offending party if anything
is wrong, did they offend me, and potentially be coerced into sharing my thoughts and feelings.
After witnessing the blow ups between other team members, I want to escape unscathed.
But it is impossible as the scars have already been made.
Back to the group I go to face my fate and final presentation.
